The Controlling Parent: Breaking the Cycle of Co-Dependence
Welcome to "Quotes to Note," a captivating blog series created by yours truly, Ashley! I designed this series to inspire, uplift, and provoke thought while also giving insight to my outlook on controversial and taboo topics in the lifestyle, family, and mental health spaces. In this series, I have invited my Asassyns to send me quotes surrounding various topics, and I vowed to challenge myself to write a insightful blog post addressing the quote and the principles behind it.
From profound reflections on life's journey to keen observations about human nature, each posts will present a carefully curated selection of quotes that resonate deeply and leave a lasting impression. Join us on this journey of exploration and enlightenment as we uncover the power of words to ignite the imagination, stir the soul, and illuminate the path forward. Let's dive into the first quote.
Quote: "One of the most powerful lessons in parenting is not controlling your child. It's controlling yourself."
It is premature for me to tackle this quote from the standpoint of a parent, but I can certainly give my perspective from the standpoint of a child. Most parents of children aged twenty-five to thirty are about fifty to sixty years old. I find that most Millennials are the children of Baby Boomers.
Just as I would argue that not all millennials are the same and not every negative attribute defines or relates to every Millennial out there--I could say the same for the Baby Boomers. Though I do feel my take on the matter will resonate with a lot of you, my observations, experiences, and opinions do not define neither Millennials or Baby Boomers as a whole. Just a little disclaimer.
When speaking to other family members and friends in the Millennial age group regarding the topic of controlling parents, smothering, helicopter parenting, and vicarious living, we all share the same experiences. So, my personal experiences have led me to believe that this is generationally related.
I had to decipher this quote by first asking myself where does the control of a parent stem from? Why does a parent feel the need to control? And in this case, we're not talking control in a sense of guidance and using your parental wisdom to lead your child.
We're talking toxic, helicopter parenting, and the relentless need to insert yourself in the majority of your child's endeavors (even into adulthood).
In an age where achievement is glorified, a growing trend among older parents is to live vicariously through their children. This phenomenon, to an extent can be rooted in love and ambition, but most times creates a burden of expectation that weighs heavily on young shoulders. Why is that? Because I feel as though the act of control is not a switch that they can just turn off on its own accord--it takes intention and effort.
The pressure to succeed – whether in academics, sports, love life, or career – becomes a mirror that is forced upon the child reflecting their parents aspirations rather than a child's genuine interests. I've witnessed first hand a parent's dream not be fulfilled in their own life. They thereafter, no matter the circumstances, proceeded to project their goals, aspirations, and lost dreams onto their children.
Living vicariously through children often stems from the parent's unfulfilled dreams or a desire for social validation. This mindset, even when fully recognized by the parent, risks overshadowing the child’s individuality, which potentially leading to stress and a lack of self-identity.
Every case I've experienced regarding this topic revealed the full understanding of their child's own desires, likes, interests, abilities, and goals. The parent was always too controlling and head strong to relinquish that control to allow the child to be who God intended them to be.
These types of parents form a preconceived vision of what they want their child to be or become far before the child is ever born. If the parent does not like certain hobbies, ideas, political stances, demographics, races, etc.--they project those ideologies onto their offspring.
Can you remember a time where someone spoke down against something you were interested in or loved?
The consequences of this pressure can be profound. Children may struggle with anxiety, depression, or burnout. Their motivation might hinge solely on pleasing their parents, sidelining their personal passions and intrinsic motivations. The joy of learning and exploring can be lost in the pursuit of parental approval. And with fully understanding it but always neglecting to mention it, the parent breeds attributes of manipulation, neglect, deflection, control, and narcissism.
I believe it is not the child's responsibility to live up to the version of themselves that the parent has wrongfully concocted in their minds. Most toxic parents have children to have something TO control. They always want to feel needed, but not in the healthy way we all want to feel needed and wanted in our relationships. Their ego and existence thrives off of being relied on and in turn they become codependent on their children. The parent prides themselves on creating the perfect family image.
A parent that directly sees their child as a means to complete their list of uncompleted projects and a means to control for their benefit and codependency adopts mindsets such as: The only way to succeed is to do what I've done. I want to stop by your place--you're not busy are you? Mother knows best! I just thought you'd always get a conventional white collar high paying job. Everything I do is out of "love". You are going to take care of me when I'm old, right? I'm your dad, I know what's best for you! You are coming over this weekend, aren't you? I would prefer you marry within your race! There's no need to move away! Live close, so I can be there to help you. And the list goes on and on!
I've even seen parents dress their children how they wish for them to be perceived--even when the child is of age to express themselves freely through their own style of dress. Can you imagine, every birthday and Christmas, your parent buying you clothes they secretly wish you would wear because they refuse to buy you anything that breaks the mold of what they want to view you as? There's nothing more cringy to me than an eleven year old child that loves bright colors, baggy streetwear, graphic tees, anime, and sneakers, but the parent has decided that doesn't fit into their concocted "perfect family" facade the child must fit into. So, instead they choose to buy clothes for the child that resemble loafers, button down shirts, dress slacks, collared polos, and cuff links. Talk about a Will Smith vs Carlton Banks clash!
Let's look at this quote once more. "One of the most powerful lessons in parenting is not controlling your child. It's controlling yourself." What does the quote mean by, "controlling yourself"?
It means the parent has to learn self control rather than controlling their own children. This is the tidbit many mothers and fathers refuse to do. It takes more strength to subdue one's urges to control than it does to forcefully control a permeable easily influenced child who has no choice in the matter.
It's essential for parents to encourage their children’s natural inclinations and celebrate their unique paths. The unique path being the path they desire for themselves. The unique path being the path God has called them towards. Parents mustn't control their children off the strength that they believe they know what's best for the child at all times in all cases.
IT’S ALL ABOUT HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS & NOT UNHEALTHY ATTACHMENTS
Healthy support means recognizing that a child’s achievements are their own, not a continuation of parental dreams. By fostering independence and self-discovery, parents can help their children grow into fulfilled, self-assured adults rather than adults that are socially crutched by the need to please people-- especially their parents. This balance is not just beneficial but necessary for the well-being of both parent and child in their individual journeys. If your parent cannot exhibit “support” without dismissing who you are, disliking who you have chosen to date, disrespecting your career choices, neglecting your likes and dislikes, or disrespecting the path you would like to take in life, hard conversations need to be had. If no change persist, sometimes distance is the best solution. But in all things, pray.
This was such a great first quote to dive into! The quote seems to be written from the child's perspective where the child is aware of their own desires and seems tied down by the image their parent would rather them uphold.
If you relate to being a child of a controlling parent, I advise you to be who God has called you to be. Pray in all situations and be who you were innately designed by God to be. There is no need to mimic or become what someone else thinks you should be when you were created by a God that said you were fearfully and wonderfully made! Anyone or anything that drives or manipulates you away from who you want to be and who you identify as, has no place in your life.
I've always painted this mental picture for myself. My work on Earth is complete and God has called me home. Standing before Him and Jesus Christ, do I believe He will judge me on carrying out the works others had asked me to complete? Do I believe He would notice what I tried to be for other's appeasement? OR Do I believe God would bless me for completing the work and purpose HE had set out for me to do? Do I believe I would hear the words "well done my good and faithful servant" for being the Christian, woman, and person HE created me to be?
It's important to note that God knew us before we were ever in our mother's womb! He knows us better than anyone. Jeremiah 1:5 says “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” I always found that the woman I see when I look in the mirror, the habits I have, the hobbies I partake in, my mannerisms, and style of dress can all be linked back to when I was a little girl. It was always innately and predestined for me to have these attributes be a part of my mind, body, and spirit.
IN CONCLUSION,
While parental control over children is often well-intentioned, for the toxic parent, it is not. Guidance must be balanced with fostering independence and autonomy. Excessive control can hinder a child's development of crucial decision-making skills and self-confidence.
Therefore, parents should strive to establish open communication, mutual respect, open-mindedness, and guidance rather than relying solely on strict control measures. By nurturing a healthy parent-child relationship built on trust and understanding, parents can better support their children's growth into capable, independent individuals equipped to navigate the complexities of this great big world.
Take Care & Be Strong,
Ashley
