Boundaries and Growth: Building a Healthy Environment for My Child
As I embark on this journey of motherhood, I am reflecting deeply on the kind of environment I want to create for my child. One realization that stands out to me is that a person’s relation to my child doesn’t automatically guarantee them a relationship with my child. This might sound harsh, but it’s a crucial part of breaking the generational curses that have lingered in many black households for far too long.
Breaking Generational Curses
Generational curses can take many forms—unhealthy family dynamics, financial abuse, unstable marriages, toxic behaviors, emotional turmoil, verbal abuse, or harmful mindsets passed down from one generation to the next. These patterns often go unchallenged because they are seen as normal or inevitable. But I believe in change. I believe in doing better for the sake of my child, and that starts with setting boundaries.
It was not foreign for me to witness in adolescence the dynamics that were tolerated in black families—even into my adulthood. An elder in the family who rarely called, reached out for a birthday, or invited your family over for a holiday yet your parents were expected to keep the line of communication open because “they are your elder.” The woman in the family that speaks with such confrontation and toxicity—manipulative, conniving, and disrespectful to the parents of the child, yet a relationship with the child is kept on the table, because she always sends money and gifts.
Growing up, I noticed how family members were granted access to children simply because they were “family.” Regardless of how toxic or unhealthy their behavior was, their relationship with the child was seen as non-negotiable. This created an environment where unhealthy behaviors were tolerated and even normalized. It has taken a lot of strength and spiritual focus to refuse to let that be the case for my child.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
The first step in breaking these curses is setting clear, healthy boundaries. Not everyone who is related to my child will have an automatic right to be in their life. A relationship with my child is a privilege, not a given. It will be based on respect, love, and a commitment to nurturing my child’s well-being.
Some of the time even older family members have had to make the tough decision of keeping their child at a distance from people who would not be conducive to the child’s or their mental health. They separated the child from toxic family members, those who overstepped boundaries, sexually promiscuous family members, narcissistic family, and then some. But as I travel along my own trail of growing my bundle of joy, those same family members that stood strong in their decision to do so think they are exempt from your decision when you choose to do the same.
During my pregnancy and parenting journey, I will be implementing the following practices to ensure a non-toxic environment for my child:
Evaluating Relationships
I will be mindful of who I allow into my child’s life. This means evaluating whether each person brings positive energy, respect to my husband, myself, and my child, and a willingness to support my parenting decisions. Family or not, if someone’s presence is detrimental, they won’t have access to my child.
Communicating Boundaries
Clear communication is key. I will articulate my boundaries firmly and respectfully, making it known that they are in place to protect my child’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being. This includes addressing issues like disrespecting parenting choices, undermining authority, or exposing my child to negativity.
A lot of people feel as though they should have relationship with a child because the issue lies between the parent and themselves. The toxic mindset is: we are dealing with an issue the child cannot yet foster the intellect to understand. So, if the child is ignorant to the toxicity of the family member, the parents should allow them around said family member until the child is old enough to see the dysfunction for themselves. I disagree with this completely.
Encouraging Healthy Relationships
While I’ll be vigilant about protecting my child from toxic influences, I will also encourage and nurture healthy relationships with those who truly care about my child’s well-being, respect my boundaries, and do not try to attempt to control my parenting decisions or life. My child will have access to people who respect them, support their growth, and contribute positively to their life.
Modeling Healthy Behaviors
I am committed to being a model for the kind of behavior I want my child to learn. This means practicing self-care, managing my emotions constructively, and maintaining healthy relationships with others. I want my child to grow up seeing what healthy communication, constructive conflict resolution, and a non-controlling environment looks like. That means to live a life free of toxic influences.
Toxic Cyclical Trends
The goal is for your child to be able to recognize dysfunction and know that there is a more excellent way to live and behave. The aim is for the child to avoid having to grow up to be the black sheep of the family when everyone else denies the dysfunction within the family. Far too often in black toxic family dynamics we are forced to silence—to the point where others will deliberately disregard the toxicity to avoid having to change. They are selective in such a way that they see the errors of everyone else’s ways but their own. Some family members believe if their spouse is problematic and they are not, they themselves deserve close relationship with the child. But in fact, I have come to adopt the belief that poor company corrupts good character; and neither individual will have the opportunity to influence my child.
I gathered that many relatives are dumb-founded by this belief of mine; and I believe that is due to the fact that they are not aware of how to foster healthy, mentally sound, and mutually beneficial relationships in their lives. But, I know it is not my responsibility to carry the burden of their lack and inability to do so--and neither will my child.
Growing up as a black sheep in the black community, I’ve asked myself so many mind-boggling questions. So even though we all see the verbal abuse from one spouse to the other, we turn our heads? We see the child that is oddly reverted into their shell because of an overbearingly controlling and emotional mother figure, but we look the other way? I may know my spouse disrespects others and takes their anger out on our children, but I side with my spouse no matter what? They witness the absentee father that never seems to make it to any family gatherings, but we should turn a blind eye? I refuse to inherit this type of dysfunction, because if nothing changes—nothing changes.
How many times have we heard in a black home, “what happens in my house, stays in my house!”? If nothing but unconditional love, healthy communication, non abusive punishments, uplifting verbiage, a behavior that doesn’t provoke your child unto anger was existing under the roof of the house, what would there be to hide? Wouldn’t you want that good news to be spread, exemplified, and implemented outside of the home as well? Phrases such as this along with so many others are proof of awareness of toxicity in black families, but the shame of it ever coming to light.
This is why the toxic individuals of a family would prefer for relationships to never be severed. They rather you tolerate their toxicity than want better for yourself or your offspring. When things appear broken, they know others will be curious of the cause or the source of that brokenness.
Fostering Independence
I know the journey of parenting is never-ending, but I believe the magnitude and dynamic of the responsibilities of a parent should shift throughout the child’s life. Another frequent practice I have witnessed in black households are the parents living vicariously through their children. I have seen parents have children of adult-age not allowing them to come into their own, make their own mistakes, or even follow the path God has for them. I do not believe that parents always know best or that their every opinion or unsolicited advice should be inserted into their child’s lives. I think there should be no reason an adult child should fear or hesitate to make their own decisions or foster their own traditions because even at the age of thirty-five with children of their own, their parents cannot respect them enough to not meddle into their lives.
I will teach my child the importance of self-respect and the ability to set their own boundaries. And that means even setting boundaries when it comes to me and my spouse. I will teach them what is acceptable in someone’s response to your boundaries versus what is not. Setting boundaries without disrespect is indeed possible. However, parents that make their children feel like setting the boundary in the first place IS “the disrespect”, should check themselves. By fostering these qualities from an early age, I hope to empower my child to navigate relationships in a healthy, self-assured way.
The Path Forward
Breaking generational curses is not an easy task. It requires courage, commitment, and a willingness to go against the grain. But it’s a journey I have been graced for and am fully committed to, for the sake of my child’s future and the mental peace of my own family. I know there will be challenges along the way, but I’m ready to face them with God, love, strength, and determination. In doing so, I hope to create a family dynamic where my child feels safe, valued, and loved—surrounded by people who genuinely care for them and respect the boundaries my husband and I have set.
The journey ahead is about more than just raising a child; it’s about redefining what family means, ensuring that it’s a source of support, positivity, and growth. This is how I’m choosing to break the cycle and build a legacy of love and respect for my child. Because at the end of the day, their well-being is what matters to me the most. Shoutout to all the narcissist survivors, black sheep, and new moms and dads that can relate.
Until Next Time,
Ash
